Tinder Box

"Two Stories"

Since this is the last article that you will receive in the 1990's, I thought that I would provide you with two stories for your enjoyment and consideration. They were sent to me by a very special person - one is a slightly different slant on Santa Claus and the other is from a former First Lady for our country, Eleanor Roosevelt.

 Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me....
You brought another friend....
And then there were 3
We started our group
Our circle of friends
And like that circle
There is no beginning or end....
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

 An Announcement From Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us, differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And, Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin, coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubbals fireplace.

4. You won't hear "on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ... 11 when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus, sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. one is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (SantaClaus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life,, will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Juddls "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
A Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local

I hope that your family and you have a most happy holiday season and that 2000 is the best year ever for you!